Tahoe Rim Trail 100 "The Ego Has Landed"

 "Dedicated athletes and others do not measure progress by how far or how fast; instead, they are more concerned about the direction that their feet are pointed. "

It has been a few days since my attempt and subsequent DNF at TRT100. It has been substantially longer since I have felt a need to write any race reports or express some well deserved thoughts on paper, but this event and the training leading up to it carries value to me; hence the need to reveal some things here. My efforts might be a bit more philosophical than the typical race report so if your interest is to simply hear the details of my demise mile by mile feel free to move on. I find enjoyment in those blogs both in success and shortcomings, but this one may be a bit more forthcoming about a guy; his character flaws, desire to find balance in life while striving for authenticity in the present and moving forward.

This morning as I awoke prior to dawn overlooking Lake Tahoe I began to put pen to paper before I had any chance of forgetting my reasons for taking on TRT100, my justifications (to myself) for choosing to drop and the terms to which I would reflect on the last year. In doing so I spelled out some key points which might direct my train of thought. These came to me in a very quick conscious stream of thought: avoid excuses, focus on lessons, discuss purpose, find meaning, reveal self, appreciate gifts and Be Authentic!  Whenever one asks why I run, or why do I run so far; why take such selfish time from my family, or risk injury or greater to simply put one foot in front of the other, my usual response is because I Have To. Running is and always has been a form of active meditation or a mindful approach to evaluating myself and existence. There was a time in the last couple years when I took reprieve from this effort for many reasons, one of which included the illness and subsequent passing of my father a year ago. Upon returning I made an even greater commitment to myself that anytime spent running would be purposeful and with balance and control. In the past that may not have always been the case for reasons of highest performance, competition, or a simple need to fill the Ego. No longer would any of these things be the primary focus of such a past time. A close friend just reminded me that complete selflessness or acts void of Ego are not only impossible but likely lacking in merit. To this I say that is likely so, because these events we volunteer our bodies up for are not exactly easy (we're not playing Tiddlywinks another would say) and thus they do require a bit of selfish exposure.

Moving forward to race day though; I started by saying I wanted to avoid excuses for what some might see as a failure to reach my goal, but I do feel the need to provide some details that at least allow me to understand the physiological aspects that were present. My training that spanned the last eight months were nearly perfection in my eyes. I had no injuries, I ran free without expectation, averaged 70-90miles/wk, had several 50mile efforts and plus 12hr runs including pacing through the nights and consuming most miles on challenging terrain at elevation and temperatures exceeding even race day environments. I logged nothing on paper, I expected nothing in return, I simply followed my body and continued to get results. Results were in the form of a well maintained heart rate, longer efforts at ease and not once any sign of muscle fatigue or injury. This again was unheard of for me as I was prone to all of the above when I would run with expectation and performance in mind. I ran in beautiful places from summits of Yosemite, the vineyards of Napa, the cliffs of the Pacific and of course the high Sierras of the TRT, and I was always at peace.

All this being said I am far from figuring everything out. I have many self doubts, I over analyze way too many things, I find myself still comparing my efforts and abilities to too many others for no other reason than to feed my ego or question it. Taper time came and all realistic thoughts went to the wayside.  I doubted my training, questioned my abilities and maybe even challenged my purpose for running another 100. Was I looking for respect, admiration or praise in accomplishing what most would not even consider possible? The honest answer to all these was absolutely yes (unfortunately that is still a character issue I wish to work on; hence the title) - but was it balanced with meaning beyond that and the answer was always; Yes. During the week prior to the race I re-read a book I very much relate to and found quotes that sparked my interest and kept me focused on my purpose. I put them out there for others to read without clarification but simply to reveal myself in some fashion. The book, "The Way of the Champion", describes many of the best attributes of those who are successful in the arena of competition through the teaching of Taoism and other philosophical approaches that I connect with. Some of these quotes are here and were key in my decision making process race day. 

The night before the race I did not sleep a single minute. For most who have taken on such an event this is not surprising, but what was surprising was my approach or lack of concern this time. I was not anxious over the lack of sleep because it was not performance anxiety or insomnia. I was simply in a zone somewhere between sleep and subconscious; fully aware of my thoughts and impulses and allowing them to ride out. My feeling when I did get up a few hours before the gun would go off was That was an amazing night. I am either in for an Epic Race of my Life or I am likely to crash and burn in a very big way! I had no strong commitments to either result and that was very empowering. One other note to add which I did not concern myself much with was the fact that for the 5 days leading up to the race my GI system was a total mess. When I say a total mess, excuse the details but I had daily diarrhea. I had no other symptoms of fever, aches, cramping and simply attributed this to nervous bowels. I compensated for this with an excessive amount of hydration - looking back this was likely to a fault as I am certain that my electrolytes were way out of whack and the likely cause of my upcoming challenges.

 Race Morning -  I was picked up outside our condo by fellow runners and friends Chaz, Jenelle and Travis and we showed up with plenty of time to spare and feeling great. I was not overly nervous and I was almost calm to a fault. This may be, looking back, a part of my reasoning process when I ran into trouble throughout the day. A multitude of hugs, fist pumps and high fives were distributed in the darkness beside Spooner Lake prior to 5am. Music started playing to get everyone pumped up and the count down commenced. Off we went running the flat fire road for the first mile at gentle pace chatting and laughing amongst friends; not competitors. Shortly thereafter we started the climb to Marlette Lake and I knew from previous training attempts this would be best accomplished as a combination of strong hiking and casual running to maintain my target heart rate of 145b/min. The problem was this was still done in the darkness prior to sunrise and it would not be til five miles in that I would get a glance at my Garmin and see I was averaging a pulse closer to 155b/min - too high to maintain for 24hrs of running or more! Once this became apparent I dialed it back more than I felt necessary and allowed others to creep ahead ever so slightly. Coming into the first aid station at Hobart (Mile 6) I felt relaxed, fueled up, topped fluids and chatted with buddies as we made our climb to Marlette Peak. As we came up on the professional photographer near the peak I took notice to this place where last year during the 50K I rolled my ankle for the first of two times in a very poor showing with under trained legs and a weak heart. I remember smiling, thinking I have at least made it this far this year without incident.

 The following miles are comprised of very fun rolling descents to Tunnel Creek Aid Station, a location we were to cross six times over the 100miles. I was pleased that at this point nearly 12miles into the race I had already peeled off to relieve myself twice; meaning I was keeping myself well hydrated. This was going to be key as temperatures were to approach or exceed 90 degrees at an average elevation of 8,000ft all day. This was close to the hottest race day on record much like WS100 just three weeks before and a likely cause of why nearly 50% of the field would not reach the finish line by Sunday.  For me, however I don't feel the weather was the simple out to my day.

The next stretch of the course is known as the Red House loop and it is approximately 6miles consisting of a drop to the lowest elevation on the course followed by two fairly large climbs. I avoided training on this section all season since it carries very little visual appeal and I knew it would likely be a low point in my day and potential night. The loop was all I expected, things started turning sour at this point as my energy and effort seemed to dwindle. I attempted to direct my efforts towards answering other runners questions about the upcoming terrain ahead. My heart rate once again was not to my liking - I could not keep it under 150 with every effort or hike break I put forth. It was at this point that I reminded myself of a popular Ultra saying "Fix Yourself" and I made sure to hydrate, stay cool, eat more than I'd like and stay positive. Usually when you do these things perspective changes and things right themselves out. This came in the form of an amazing sight - I had been giving direction to a woman about the upcoming terrain, but was a little out of sorts in comprehending what she was saying to me. Come to find she was trying to locate a strategic place to pull off, remove her fanny pack and begin to breast pump 15miles into a 100 mile race! Are you serious? This chick is hardcore - not only is she taking on a difficult 100 she is pumping out her motherly fluids to sustain her infant for the next crew stop. I would later hear from my wife she was doing the same thing at the 50mile turnaround where her husband and infant were cheering her on! You ask why I do these things - to be around simply outstanding and amazing people!!!

Leaving the Red House I spent some extra time at the aid station accessing my drop bags and downing a soda for calories and cooling effect. Here too I realized I had mispacked my gels, doubling up at the previous A/S and leaving none here. A funny side note as well - I had been harassed in the week prior by my running partners when I took time to laugh at myself at the contents of my drop bags. Suffice to say I was called Willy Wonka and told my bags would be pillaged throughout the night. Truth be told I would actually not consume a single calorie from my bags all day!( Somehow I think my daughters will find a way to devour their contents while on vacation this week.)  Though I had done everything right to this point including sponge soaking my head and body before heading out to Bullwheel and beyond I was already 4lbs down in weight and it was not even 9am and the heat was pretty oppressive.

Along the crest of the TRT are some of the more beautiful scenes overlooking Lake Tahoe below. You literally feel like you are on top of the world with nothing but blue skies, sparkling waters and massive pines and boulders to traverse along the way. Luckily for me this is where Carrie Hyatt was able to catch up to me and we spent a good portion of  this time together before the descent down to Diamond Peak. One of my few regrets in not finishing was the fact that I had thought there was a good chance we would spend many a mile together race day and as it turns out had I chose to continue on the second loop our paces likely would have coincided.  I am sorry for this as she would have been a great partner in pain and someone I see learning much more from. That being said we spent some nice moments cursing some more than rude mountain bikers and sharing some thoughts of greater importance as well.

The drop to Diamond Peak (mile 30) is one of two extremely fast descents on the course, the other being the drop from Snow Valley Peak to the turn/finish area. We were told during the pre race meeting not to take this descent aggressively unless you want to destroy your quads or you plan to win the race. I had neither in mind but chose not to listen anyway! Passing by Dustin and then Carrie I had tried to encourage both to climb aboard as I picked up the pace in an effort to get to my family and crew faster and right my ship. Neither bit at the idea, smart decisions on their part, as it likely was part of my demise - at least physically. I managed to run this 3-4mile drop under 9min pace passing many familiar faces and encouraging everyone of them along the way. My quads felt fine and the tightness in my hip flexors were enjoying the small rest break from the climbs. Though I had some splits in mind coming into the race they were generally a loose guide to where I was towards a 24-28hr finish. As I rounded off the trail and down the street towards the ski resort parking lot I was greeted by my pacer and good friend Tony Overbay who had come straight from a week in Tahoe supporting his girls summer camp. His plan was to assist with my crew here and prepare for the entire 50mile journey at night. He was great! He ran in with me, waving his hands to my family, letting them know of our arrival where I would quickly eat, drink and be on my way up the climb.

There were many friends in the parking lot who were cheering on from their cars, tables and chairs (One does really feel like a rockstar at this A/S.) I managed somehow to come in one minute ahead of my likely scenario of 11:30am (but I felt like total crap.) Had I chose to post the pictures taken by my family it would reveal just how depleted I looked as my wife stated my eyes were glazed and sunken in, in her opinion (thanks for not sharing at the time). I would spend over 8min with family before being checked out and finding I was now 6lbs underweight. This was of great concern to me since I was soaking wet, had just ate a pbj and a full can of soda and I was down nearly 5% before noon. All this being said this was the highlight of my day. I had my wife and girls cheering me on with signs, my crew of Dirk and Tyler soaking me down with wet towels and taking care of any needs and my sister's family had just arrived to see me out as well. What could be wrong with this picture? I should have been excited, full of energy and passionate about what I was accomplishing. Regardless of how bad I hurt and how out of sorts I was with less than a third of the race completed I should be on top of the world right now!

".....The journey must have heart, passion and love - if not misery and failure will result. Success is simply the by product."

Leaving the base of the ski resort at mile 30 you begin the climb to the top of the ski resort 2miles above with grades as high as 45%. I had done this climb countless times in training all comfortably in 40mins but knew this time would be a bit different, but I had no idea what that was about to mean! Carrie was much more efficient out of the A/S so she and Tony Laplante joined me and Overbay up the initial climb to the chair lift before departing us to our continued climb. I told Tony I would need to slow things down from here and get my head straight before he saw me for pacing duties at mile 50 and he assured me how great I looked and how excited he was for our nightly adventure. Carrie and I continued completing the first mile of the climb together before I told her she had to climb her own pace and she replied "I only have one speed!" I don't think she realized I was saying I was dropping back out of necessity. We would see many 50mile runners who were now descending the climb in the wrong direction - looking fresh but saying they had "blown up" and were returning to the A/S to drop. I remember thinking and probably saying out loud to Carrie how disappointed I was seeing people give up without giving their all! I knew I felt worse and I was not giving up. This was a key point to my day and a huge lesson I would learn for myself and I am eternally grateful for the painful opportunity. Who was I to judge another person's day, choices, or the extent of their pain when watching them drop at such an early stage? There were at least three runners doing such and each seemed very much at peace with their choice and I now understand that no one should judge another because we all run these events for very different reasons - some of which we only discover while we are out there!

Karma is one of the strongest ties that connects all of us in life. It is neither a negative nor a positive bond but a flow of energy that is passed from individual, setting and environment. I had clearly just set mine in motion......

As Carrie continued at her "one speed" I took my first hike break, noticed my quad twitching, followed by my calf twitching, then my adductors, anterior tibialis, left leg then right leg! Oh boy, here we go - muscle spasms at 8500ft and a roll down a mountain side is going to be pretty epic. In reality this was the least of my upcoming concerns. We all have had a muscle spasm/cramp that we can stretch out, change stride or take a break and all will be fine. This was entirely different - First my left VMO (inner quad muscle) contracted with such vigor that the definition that normally creates a bulge on the inside actually inverted. My quad looked like it had been carved out with a large ice cream scoop and it remained in that fashion as I hobbled to the granite rock to try to sit and regroup. This worked only briefly as one position would relax one muscle group while another, my shin muscles would then invert and cramp followed by my inner thigh adductor group. I would stand and they all would subside a bit and then I would feel faint. I stood beside the trail while 50 miler after 50 miler would ask if I was ok. I would nod to keep them moving, but could feel the life blood just rush from my head. I was about to pass out! I remember looking down at my Garmin and seeing my pulse quickly drop from 150s to an unusually low sub 100 and the lights were diming.  I was certain I was going to collapse and all I could think is there is no way I can make it up to Bullwheel and there is no way I can make it down to the medic aid station where certainly my family had already left.  I'm not exactly certain if I did lose consciousness, but this sequence of lightheadedness upon standing and cramping when sitting continued every 20ft up the mile ascent. Halfway up this effort with forearms on knees and hands holding head I could hear a familiar voice - the voice of one Gregory Holmes. Greg was within one false summit of the top and he was there all afternoon with his billboard and positive mojo throwing all his energy and shout outs to every unknown runner that came up the summit. He saw me a good 100ft below and was calling me out to get up the hill. I could not respond after several attempts and I am certain he probably thought I was just being being an ass but I could not raise a hand or give a verbal response. It seemed like forever, but I finally made it up to him and he reminded me I only needed to "get right" at the A/S above and I would be fine. I knew it was more than that, I knew there was something more physiological going on with my body. The electrolytes (Na, K, Mg) that had left my body all too fast during my daily trips to the bathroom were keeping my muscles from firing correctly as well as causing likely arrythmias of my heart, hence the sudden drop in pulse and likely blood pressure as well.

As I collapsed into the only chair available at Bullwheel I quickly realized this would not be the comfortable landing spot I hoped for in righting this ship. There were too many things the father and son had to manage to keep their A/S afloat so I was less than an afterthought to their needs. That was fine, as I was simply happy to be off that hill and within radio call if things got worse. I chose to overcompensate on Scaps taking an additional three and some well needed water, though warm, due to the lack of ice at Bullwheel. My plan was to hobble down to Tunnel Creek where the medic could check me out and I could debate my potential drop. The first two miles were comical at best, I was in full muscle cramps walking straight legged while managing to still move faster than the a handful of novice mountain bikers who continued to try to traverse the boulders every 5ft. About half way to TC my legs began to relax and I realized my pulse had stabilized and I could begin to jog. Perfect timing as I was quickly greeted by my crew of Dirk and Tyler who had run up from the Flume trail and knew something must be up since I had not reached TC close to two hours after I started the climb from DP.

When I entered into TC I went to the medic to get checked out and half hoped they would find something obvious with my vitals that would force a drop or hold but to my surprise my bp and pulse were stable and my pulse oximetry reading was 94% (reasonable). I was still down 6-8lbs and he suggested a blood draw here or at the 50mile turn to check my Na+ levels seeing that my black shorts were nearly solid white with salt deposits. His suspicions validated mine but I chose to continue on as I was not going to wait for a ride out if things weren't as bad as suspected. I was not bonking, but I was not balancing no matter what I attempted. Realizing I was at least stable I told my crew I was heading to Hobart and would do my best to right myself before the 50 but that it would likely be slow going from here.

TC to Hobart is a climb of nearly 6miles and even under the best of circumstances I likely would be running very little. I made reasonable time here not getting passed and actually coming up on a few runners who were also out of sorts. I offered up what support I could, knowing I had little to suggest or give them but did so anyway. Coming into Hobart was like a scene out of MASH. The tent was lined with over a half a dozen chairs and each had a down runner and nearly as many volunteers to attend to them. It was a fine oiled machine of Ensure smoothies, turkey quesadillas and positive suggestions to get everyone moving forward again. I was efficient here - I ate the quesadilla  and smoothie, spoke to fellow runners, grabbed some gels from my drop bag and got out asap. It was a bit frightening as the volunteers said people were now dropping like flies there.  So upward and onward to Snow Valley Peak a summit of 9200ft and the highest elevation along the course.

The legs were allowing me to climb reasonably well at this point and it seemed like I had started to finally right the physical wrongs to a degree even if my legs were so full of poorly contracting fibers that I knew how painful the rest of the run would be. More importantly I was doubting my desire to finish sometime late the next morning at best. It was closing in on 4pm and I had been on my feet for nearly eleven hours and very few of those had been spent in balance, control or pleasure. As I crested the beautiful 360 degree summit overlooking all of the Sierras I struggled to find the joy in my efforts. All I could think about was the time I would spend over the next 57miles asking everything of my pacer, my crew, my family all in an effort to reach some personal and physical goal. Was I really going to potentially put my self in harms way simply to complete what I said I would do? The mind, body and spirit were at play and they were matching my initial desires and plans at every turn.

"Remember, on the journey of being a champion, that the efforts and intuition are purposeful and filled with integrity. Try to serve the joy, beauty, and benefits of the quest, the experience itself, as a worthwhile undertaking."

 I was reminded of this as I started to hike down to the turn where I would once again see all who were there to support me. Tony would be there, smiling and ready to go regardless of my condition. My wife and girls would be there, nervous and wondering why it is that I put myself through such pain and torture to reach a finish line. I had nearly righted the ship, I was a mere 30 minutes behind my estimated time to complete the first loop, I was not losing ground nor in any worse shape than the runners behind me and I would have over 22hrs to complete what I had done in 12.5hrs. It would be at night with a good buddy and much cooler temperatures - a relatively simple proposition all things considered and definitely what we as runners sign up for when we do a 100. I knew most of it might be a hike and there were adventures to be had, but I had lost the joy in the day. I had spent too much time caring for myself and correcting my physical problems that I had lost most of what the day was to be about - the journey of a hundred miles, not to a hundred miles!

So, some reading this might say he let the inner demons of doubt get in his ear and found the easy way out at the turn. Some may say, as I used to think, that a DNF for any reason other than substantial injury is likely due to a weak mind that needs further training. I am not really concerned (any longer) about the perception of others and that in itself was a big part of my lesson this time. My journey you see was never about completing another 100, sure that would have been nice, but my path was one I will continue to explore. My day, for whatever reason was out of balance, it lacked the passion I found in every training run as demonstrated by a body that continually rejected the efforts I put forward and I had finally realized that coming down from Snow Valley Peak. Finishing under these extremes would have been about Ego. It would have been about the accolades one receives from another buckle. I was apparently not interested in another buckle, in fact the first still sits in its box. I was interested in moving forward, not towards a finish line, but forward towards the right direction for me. Pulling when I did carried many correct turns: it allowed me the energy and health to enjoy the upcoming week of vacation with my family (not on a couch cradling my injuries, my ego and my buckle). It allowed me to show my flaws to my family and friends in concrete ways that I can not explain away, and most importantly it allowed me to stay in the moment. Upon making this decision I would become stronger in the lesson of failure than any strength others might have thrown at me for finishing.

 My Ego took a well deserved hit and when I accepted that the resistance, discomfort and unease started to melt away. Reflection, fluidity and peace soon replaced those self imposed barriers. I looked down at the tattoo I had etched on my right calf nearly a year ago and it all made perfect sense. I was doing exactly what I promised myself and my Dad I would do - stay in the moment, find balance in all you do and live to see another day and its precious meaning. Since my Dad's passing whenever I need a sign that I am following my true path I look for a butterfly. One is embedded in the depths of my tattoo as a reminder. It was here that I looked again.....

 The last couple miles of descent to Spooner Lake were effortless. My cramps subsided, if only temporarily, as two butterflies flew patiently over my strides reminding me that Yes - my feet were still pointed in the right direction!

I greeted my family and friends with the news that I was dropping. Much to their surprise and efforts to alter my decision, they all soon realized my reasoning and supported my wishes. The remainder of my week was spent with my wife and girls beach side in Lake Tahoe. We played Frisbee and soccer, rafted down the Truckee River, swam in the pool and even conquered an extreme Ropes and Zip Line Course as a family. I am certain had I continued the race I would have completed it, but my body would not have allowed me the necessary time to recover and do these wonderful things. My feet were pointing towards my family on Saturday and not towards another loop around TRT.